after a few days of late nite

hmmm finally im free to blog today~~ yawn.. for the past 1 week been sleeping like around 4-5am =.= madness!! yes i know~~~ oh well... super tired now~~ lol!

Oh well recently I get to be closer to this girl i knew from Secondary School~~ funny... like after so long and we suddenly get closer =.= oh well that's out of the point..

Anyway she seem to be the type of gal that is pretty crazy at times yet bring me much fun.. lol i think both of us being Aries contributed alot to this. As time goes by.. i start to miss her.. hmmm weird... have no doubt that i pretty like her..
Yes ah chan u got it right.. so is wenting =.=

i think our relationship makes a jump when we hang out sooooo often.. ok practically everyday..
hmmm does tat sound like a "green" light to ask? lol

but she dont seem to be ready to be in relationship.. at least the last time i asked..

oh well i shall try again after her exam... =x



Anyway it been a long while since i last step out of singapore!!! OMG! I'm getting bored to stuck in this tiny island!! RAWR!! i gonna plan something really soon...

I also start to be more concern about saving and stuff... sigh.. i think i took up pretty much saving plans until i think this is totally unnecssary!! sigh if i have to cancel now i gonna lost money~~ should i even cancel it!? cant see the money after 10 years is so painful... someone is abt time i should start save for my future expenses such as wedding and car~~

Man... suggestion.. should i cancel my existing plan?

freaking shag..

I think i'm simply going to be overloaded soon.. the time i blog this... is the actual time i juz reach home.. still with my jacket.. and my jeans on... omg stupid work!

Today been hearing a lot of complain by my team mate... oh well.. life is sooo unfair.. some pple who seem to be useless and not trustworthy to assign more work... gets no work but still drawing the pay that pple like us who is working like dogs should draw instead...

sigh... nothing i can do abt this but to blame myself into stepping into this pile of shit.. oh well something to be happy abt is the pple been working and learning from are very nice and interesting pple... so in a way im glad i change my job.... but this happiness will not last very long i guess...

In 5 more hours... i will be heading to a seminar on regards with immigration to aussie... a place i would love to spend the rest of my life on.... since i already gave up all hopes in singapore..

Sometime i wonder... if i were to migrate off... will she still think of me? sigh... she always want to go there... oh well...

Wenting is almost on her way there... so myself and zihao will join her next i hope.. lol.. to start a new life seem scary but life is all abt adventure isnt it?

i realise she been posting after i post something.. is this juz coincidence? Maybe we miss each other due to misunderstanding or maybe we just took a detour... time will tell.. at least to me.. i'm still on the same path with no cross-junction ahead.... juz yet.

Stupid me

Today... 3th August 2010.. after 3months and 19days since she told me she likes him... i never had a week without thinking about her... OK! U WIN! i still love u! and FML!

it was not long ago since she officially told me she is with him... Yes~ i already see it coming... i cant stop myself from being sad! WHY!?

I know i will be sad if i see their picture together BUT I STILL GO ahead and SEE!!! and now i feel extremely terrible....

Steph has been telling me again and again to let her go... I KNOW! I KNOW! i know in term of rational i should just let her go... BUT I CANT! she said is a rational over emotion... but u guys know me by now i AM a emotion side of guy... sometime i feel like i am the woman more than a man in a relationship... not that xiao sha...

When i was in poly... this friend of mine... Albert.. he was said.. it took him 3 years to get over the past relationship... i never knew why... so now i get it...

i really dont know when will i ever get out of this shit......

I put my msn nick. i have get over my sadness... time to get new one... im so trying to tell her that i am moving on... try to act as if nothing happen to me..

but the matter of fact is... no... i cant act as if nothing happen to me... i cant go out holding another person hand at all... i cant really put my heart into liking someone when there is a person parking in my heart with a season ticket without expiry date.

i have been thinking abt her alot today.. dont ask me why... i dont know either...

i want to know how is she.. but i know if i start asking... there will be no end to my misery.. though happiness is only a second when she reply.

Please spare me from all this thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!! once again.. i hate myself to the max

Hurts

Oh man.. i thought i have let it go... but Y am i still feeling so hurt when i saw words like she is in love with someone?

I guess its not so easy to just let go... I know i'm doing something stupid.. but i just cant help it..

Yes.. i admit.. i do miss her.. i do want to show her concern again... But I am trying my best not to... ITS so tough...... Y am i back to the down time again? i guess i just had too much of her in my head...

Kill me pls... suddenly life seem so dark... =(

Post Dive trip & recent activity

Ahhhhh finally... though i said i might not have the money to go for sibu... still manage to fork out some... lol.. but gonna be a tight month=x

Not a bad trip beside the accommodation abit disappointing... other than that.. the rest is well.. i have upload the picture in my fb!

Recently super busy coz my supposingly "teacher" in my new department fly off to Fuji for some work trip and left me hanging with all his follow ups... lol

On my 2nd and third week.. i have been doing his job without knowing what happen.. LOL.. so funny.. and I also glad that i have this chance to try out on my own and learn from there.. at least i'm not total lost.

Ok... now i planning on Redang!! lol.. JULY... cant wait.. =)

Trying to keep myself busy and occupied.. =) and would love to know my friends more.. esp those i know for years... but doesnt know them well.. i think is also abt time =)

OK back to work... see ya~

Busy~

wah haven been updating since.... lol i forget abt it... oh well.. life get more and more busy as i tried to keep my schedule as pack as possible.... damn... i forget abt the budget part =x

oh well.. simple update is that i went zoo.... science center... ubin for the past 3 weeks.. LOL i think i only left with bird park and reptile park that i still refuse to step in... =x

Ubin was the killer of all the outing.... Lol... shag the hell out of me.. oh well is pretty fun btw...

Anyway i transferred to a new department and life is getting slightly more busy... i hope i still can afford time to go for redang trip =)

Sibu was due next week... but dun think i can afford the money to go =( how sad!

Hopefully sibu dun go sinking into the sea due to global warming... =x'

Anyway got to go work! enjoy everyone! It's mid week le!!!

Sorry

Sorry everyone.. i let u all down and myself down... when i go past NLB today... i realise i still feel hurt... a moment of pain on my heart came in silently and painfully. Esp when i get out of circle line and realise the path i took is the path she shown me to NLB.

It doesnt come and go... it comes in and stay.... i was even worried that i would run into her... damn it... y am i being so coward!? simply hate myself for it...

Haven been blogging these 2 days not becoz I am lazy.. juz schedule abit tight plus pretty tired...
Finally had my gelare Waffle... had the same ice cream she introduce to me.. but this time is with Wenting... ahhh ty for being there with me.. although u really eat alot in bali and willing to eat more with me first before ur exercise =)

I was so sad when Wenting say my cup walker isnt tat nice after all... My Beloved Cup Walker with pudding!!!

Yesterday went to collect my diving equipment... wah i start to realise im getting fatter.. cant go into my M size suit le... shit... time for some runs~~~

Went to look for eileen after tat... ahhh seem like she going to be more busy when her sch start... so i know who i shouldnt look for next time for outing =x

I cant wait to go Tioman tomorrow.. i really hope that can help in healing myself out of this pain...

If time can go back... i wish i would love her more than i did.............

completed

Today.... Sunday 1900hr. I listen to this song... 过火 by Jeff chang.

I cried again. yes i mean i cried. Is so hard to for me let her go... so hard...

I watch through my video clip when i took in S.H.E concert, i heard her voice... her laughter... and the image of her pop into my mind... how long has it been since i heard her laugh or her voice?

I maybe as happy as i am when im out... i realise i cant show pple my true sad self.. right after tat i heard a S.H.E song... as though they were telling me something.. trying to enlighten me..

I think i understand what they are trying to say... i promise this kind of sad blog will not happen again... and i will post the rest of my daily life here instead... oh ya i miss out a xiao zhu song... that i love and i find it useful in my situation now.. so now i will dedicate all these 3 song to zhang xiao mao... (she might not understand the words anyway...)

罗志祥-我不会唱歌

这 首为你点播的歌
如果我先哭了
怎么唱到最后

是的感情不是k歌
音阶一字不漏
不见得感动

我也 懂拿麦的手不能颤抖
曾握着就能感受你比我难过
谁写的歌词那么适合放手
我怎能舍不得

我努力唱完主歌
我忘了 走音没有
我到底哭什么
哭什么明明搞笑的

我努力唱好朋友
我忘了是谁哭了
就算你不记得
这首歌唱完的 是我

这首为你点播的歌
如果我先哭了
怎么唱到最后

是的感情不是k歌
音阶一字不漏
不见得感 动

我也懂拿麦的手不能颤抖
曾握着就能感受你比我难过
谁写的歌词那么适合放手
我怎能舍不得

我努力 唱完主歌
我忘了走音没有
我到底哭什么
哭什么明明搞笑的

我努力唱好朋友
我忘了是谁哭了
就算你不记 得
这首歌唱完的是我

我努力唱到嘶吼
我不怕剩我一个
只要你能记得
这首歌给我最爱的


张信哲--过火
是否对 你承诺了太多
还是我原本给的就不够
你始终有千万种理由
我一直都跟随你的感受
让你疯让你去放纵
以为你有天会感动
关 於流言我装作无动於衷
直到所有的梦已破碎
才看见你的眼泪和后悔
我是多想再给你机会
多想问你究竟爱谁
既然爱难分是 非
就别逃避勇敢面对
给了他的心
你是否能够要得回
怎麽忍心怪你犯了错
是我给你自由过了火
让你更寂寞
才 会陷入感情漩涡
怎麽忍心让你受折磨
是我给你自由过了火
如果你想飞
伤痛我背
是否对你承诺了太多
还是我原本 给的就不够
你始终有千万种理由
我一直都跟随你的感受
让你疯让你去放纵
以为你有天会感动
关於流言我装作无动於衷
直 到所有的梦已破碎
才看见你的眼泪和后悔
我是多想再给你机会
多想问你究竟爱谁
既然爱难分是非
就别逃避勇敢面对
给 了他的心
你是否能够要得回
怎麽忍心怪你犯了错
是我给你自由过了火
让你更寂寞
才会陷入感情漩涡
怎麽忍心让 你受折磨
是我给你自由过了火
如果你想飞
伤痛我背
怎麽忍心怪你犯了错
是我给你自由过了火
让你更寂寞
才 会陷入感情漩涡
怎麽忍心让你受折磨
是我给你自由过了火
如果你想飞
伤痛我背

歌曲：别 歌手：s.h.e

我把思念轻轻上锁
再把回忆挂在门口
离开就不回头
昨天已经放在左手
明天装箱全部带走
今 天我只剩我
没有人劝得住我
没有话想对你说
曾经相信相爱就能厮守
如今却 像一种苛求
离别的时候
别想太多
别想要企 图挽留
别再探听我的下落
别用电话骚扰我的朋友
别向 人说你爱我
别找我别等我

still pain

First.. i realise using safari from IPhone cannot come in and blog... quite sian...

Anway i was on my way back home in NEL, while i was thinking should i stop at dg or serangoon, i saw Potong Pasir.... reminds me of that guy and her... i realise... even if i still love her... i still cannot forget about him and her... and it still hurts....

Ironically, i am still hoping all this is juz a joke or prank that she will come to me and tell me... happy birthday or something...

I read through my own post.. I written this " since i determine that mao mao is my last one"
i almost cried again... last one... the word seem so far away from me... I also said i wish to exercise lesser control on her so she can have her freedom.. but i guess i exercise it too well huh...

Sigh... looks like my target of 1week recovery is not possible... i guess the love cant be simply overwrite within a week T_T

Maybe

I juz read xiao mao blog a moment again while I'm in office... i read through her old post... I really think I've been thinking too much and even doubt her feeling towards me.......

Maybe her feeling has faded as time goes by.. but i shouldnt suspect the gd times and the wonderful time i have with her... Shouldnt suspect if she did love me before...

I think i shouldn't treat her so badly after we broke up and i start to feel bad about it..

Maybe she did just treat me as friend but i was still in my own dreamland as i realized she does not mentioned about me anymore in her blog since 2010.

Maybe i have yet to do my part as a bf since 2010.. we stop chatting on phone and we stop talking till dawn...

Maybe this is something i need to keep in mind..

Maybe i take it granted that she can cope for herself... but in fact she still want the same kind of feeling and concern from me..

Maybe i overlook all this thing... but everything is too late... I'm sorry i overlook this feeling..

But till now... I still love U.. I Do....

Swim

Yes i went for a swim today... yup alone... the fact that i enjoy water.. sun and beach more is becoz of her.. she brought all this into my life and no doubt I'm enjoying it... I should really thank her for this.

Today i took the goggle that she gave me... the feeling is so much different.. this is actually the first time i went to a pool without her... sigh...

I think even though my mouth say i wont care for her... but i guess deep down inside i still wish she is safe and sound...sigh.. juz cant convince myself to let her go and die....

Wenting asked me... y ur entries all so late one... reason is simple.. if i feel sad and cry now.. is easier to sleep coz im also tired rather than i cry early and awake..

ok la.. more of tears la.. cry is abit over le... finally my ceremony is coming.. getting graduated... but the most important person that i wish to come... can never be there anymore... oh well... i guess tats fate...

I ran through the dslr today and i saw all those photo we took at the indoor stadium and memories came back to me again... even then i couldnt see anything amiss from her action.. i guess i sux at there huh...

Whatever it is... fate has brought us together and apart.. i guess i just dun have enough of those to keep it going.. and as day goes by.. i feel less hate and less sadness in me... i bet i start to forgive and forget.. but i guess i still cant be friend with her yet... we shall see about tat...

ok time to head to pillow..body to bed... gd nite everyone..

??????

The topic is ????? yes... ur computer is ok.. u are using the correct font.. is juz tat i do not know what is word that i can use to perfectly describe my feeling.

Here I am 1.31am cant seem to sleep and her picture still imagine in my mind... if u all have realise by now... i have yet to use her name.. till now... even when im talking abt it with my friends... i never used her name... I am so worried that i will think too much when i see the name again... even the word Teddy hurts... the very sound of her calling me came haunting me.... the very sight of her happily calling me with a smile hurts... these are the things that was so deep down in me that i couldnt forget about it.. i cant seem to forget her smile.. her hug...

But yes.. i do feel better today... so much so that i did not tear nor cry until im alone... until i think of her voice that seem to be imprinted in my head and couldnt shake it off...

Everyone has been telling me... Dun be so sad... U deserve a better one...( i guess this is a standard template for all heart broken pple)

But... do i need a better one? Does a better one makes me feel the same kind love towards her? I dun noe.. seriously... i dun even think i need a better one... but oh well.. it has already been in this state...

sometime i feel so fake on myself... even if i still feel hurts.. i have to hold a strong front.. for my friends. and for my family... I really dun wish to let them see.... I just need some more time.. more time to erase her words... her smile.. and her voice that kept in my head.

Today i am thinking.. if i should forgive her.... but................... the very thought of her with him.. is so.. unbearable tat i didnt think further and say to myself.. i guess there's no way. Trust is the foundation of my life... since she lost my trust... i guess there isnt any need bah.

Let me head to bed... with no thoughts in mind.

Maybe tomorrow be a better day...

Tired

I dont know how should i feel.... today seem to be forever and every sec seem to painful.. i tear for her again... on the way back on MRT and i couldnt stop myself from crying at AMK hub so i had to go to toilet and whack it out.... did i mention even at work when eileen trying to find out from me? the thought that flash back to the time and the pain start to emerge..

The more truth i know.. the more pain i get... but i cant stop myself from wanting to know more and more... I really want to know how much information was hidden from me...

I really cant tell at which of time did she start to hid things from me... Even sometime I am thinking.. am i not gd enough to her? do i make her feel bored? thousands of AM i and DO i... but none came to a conclusion... I really wonder what really makes her change?

Today.. i get to know more information... something that was not what i been told and maybe even new to me... Pretty sad... I really hope this is juz an misunderstanding... maybe is i dont trust her enough hence causing all this unnecessary pain for myself... I sincerely hope i was wrong for the first time in my life...

I got a new wallet today though.. from my sis and ah foo... i cant thanks enough in my heart... everytime i took the wallet(her gift to me).. the scene of her telling me: "i didnt get your bdae present yet leh".."what you wan?"

HURTS! THIS is not something that a gf do if she love him..... I even wonder if she dun love me anymore so she didnt bother to do anything? she can even party till late when she knew she meeting me.. seriously... 17th April will never be forgotten...

Be it for the gd..(S.H.E concert is a big success!) or bad(Had to still endure someone that doesnt love me anymore)

Speaking of which... i even suspect i hear her saying y take him in the picture... when her fren was taking her picture.... really painful for me.. but i didnt want to fight... i even suspect i hear wrongly... but it doesnt matter to me now.........

I heard from sue that she sound like crying when sue call her... i was soft-hearted for a second.. but wait... y did she cry? A question i never want to know the answer.. but the thought of her being remorseful doesnt come across my mind at all..

But I have to say.. no matter how i hate her.. or how much pain she cost.. personal attack is never in my list.. so i'm actually pretty angry when i saw my sis status.. She should know me better that I wont like tat. So i got her to remove it..

I was listening to my MP3 and this song played... really touch my heart so deeply that i tear again... i got a feeling that the lady in front of me keep staring at me.. so i had to really stop myself before everyone come asking...

I should dedicate this song to all the sad soul in this world that just experience broke up... Hope u walk out soon...

(those in bold are the part that i feel is really what I'm Feeling)

YouTube link

思念是一种病

一辈子有多少的来不及
发现已经失去最重要的东西
恍然大悟早已远去
为何总是在犯错之后
才肯相信错的是自己
他们说这就是人生试着体会
试着忍住眼泪还是躲不开应该有的情绪

我不会奢求世界停止转动
我知道逃避一点都没有用
只是这段时间里尤其在夜里
还是会想起难忘的事情
我想我的思念是一种病
久久不能痊愈

当你在穿山越岭的另一边
我在孤独的路上没有尽头
时常感觉你在耳后的呼吸
却未曾感觉你在心口的鼻息

汲汲营营忘记身边的人需要爱和关心
借口总是拉远了距离不知不觉无声无息
我们总是在抱怨事与愿违
却不愿意回头看看自己
想想自己到底做了甚么蠢事情

也许是上帝给我一个试炼
只是这伤口需要花点时间
只是会想念过去的一切
那些人事物会离我远去
而我们终究也会远离变成回忆

当你在穿山越岭的另一边
我在孤独的路上没有尽头
时常感觉你在耳后的呼吸
却未曾感觉你在心口的鼻息
oh 思念是一种病
oh 思念是一种病
一种病

多久没有说我爱你
多久没有拥抱你所爱的人
当这个世界不在那么美好
只有爱可以让他更好
我相信一切都来得及
别管那些纷纷扰扰
别让不开心的事停下了脚步
就怕你不说就怕你不做
别让遗憾继续一切都来得及

当你在穿山越岭的另一边
我在孤独的路上没有尽头
时常感觉你在耳后的呼吸
却未曾感觉你在心口的鼻息
当你在穿山越岭的另一边
我在孤独的路上没有尽头
时常感觉你在耳后的呼吸
却未曾感觉你在心口的鼻息

Start of a New Week and Hopefully a New Life

Today is suppose to be a new week... and new working week that i should start to live my new life without a person I'm so used to having around with... come to think abt it.. we have left a lot to be done...filled with ideas of going aussie la... hot air balloon la... sian..... the thought of tat makes me tear in MRT.. shit.. such a shame.. luckily no one was notice me..

Maybe i was still hoping to hear from her... i was looking at my phone every-time i get out from bath room..hoping to see a miss call or sms from her.. but every-time i saw nothing.. it was a disappointment...

Stupid as u say.. i always hate her for not doing anything to make the relationship better but i can never let her go... every thought of her being in a difficult situation makes me hurt... but I'm sure she is in a good hand now... hopefully.

She might not even bother to see this blog ever again and maybe right now she is having fun... but does tat matter to me? No.. it shouldnt... but somehow or rather i cant stop thinking.. I know i can never be with her again.. i cant make myself to do tat...

Anyway I need to thanks Wenting for listening to all my whining for the past 2 days... and all the rest that try to cheer me up..

Last of all.. my sis.. i really feel touch that she has to take leave so i do not need to attend my graduation alone since the person that suppose to go with me is no longer there...

Yes I'm fine.. but i need time to forget.. but not forgive :)

Kelen the Teddy

I guess this word will never re-surface again in my life anymore... ytd was a total breakdown... I sort of broke up ytd... u might be asking.. what is sort of? break jiu break mah...

Well... if u love a person alot... and u always thinks the feeling is mutual but end up not the case... can i consider it as sort of break?

I had a great lesson learnt ytd... When ur girlfriend wanted to keep privacy on her HP... is a sign that she dun wan u to know more about her outside life...

U know... is pretty hurting for a person u love that promise u.. this guy and me just a friend.. and will never like each other... wanted the very single trust u can afford on them and end up liking each other... I know! I'm stupid coz this is not the first case...

Not tat i didnt realise.. but sometimes when it comes to u... u juz wish to ignore this and think im thinking too much... she so innocent.. wont do tat to me.... Ha.. trust on the wrong side already..

When u are sick and she didnt bother to look for u... is another sign that u are out. Make things worst would be she might be actually hang out with her friend and tell her so called " bf" that she busy with sch.. and blah blah blah..

If the gal said she wan to concentrate on her study and couldnt commit to the relationship... i guess that partial lie too :) i've seen enough relationship tat even study cant bring them away coz they both make effort to it :) sooooo dun believe a single word!

So guys.. if u meet any of the above situation.. ask for breakup b4 u get hurt!

Although this blog was created for the person i loved....... and we broke up....

i guess i still maintain this site.. after all my friends are well awared abt this site too... so i guess i wont change much beside the name and style... stay tune for more information... i will be pretty active from now on :)