getting old

getting old is something that everyone hates when they reaches our age but teenager hope they can grow old faster... ironic huh...

As time goes by, i feel the need to really save up and settle down.. however i am missing the miss right at the moment.. is how funny things happen... initially i was hoping she get a job for herself and have that extra income to pay her debt and save up together... however when she got her job.. i was hoping she can quit and accompany me longer.. grass is always greener on the other side.. maybe is the fact that the time taken up for her job is not part of my expectation.. i never expect a person to work 10-12hrs of work everyday for almost 6 days.. or maybe my career path was too smooth to feel that.. i have to agree i have my fair share of odd and long hours but is irregular.. but her job was so "regular" that 10-12 hours everyday seem normal.. or more like a SOP.(Standard Operating Procedure). This was the trigger point that i thought i lost her... i spend more time alone than together.. so i was thinking of a break up for a very long time..

Never knew it came and it impact me so much that it was not part of my expectation either! Lol... life sux huh... It could be that pple grow old and was afraid of being alone.. i went on a frenzy for a period of time trying to find someone to fill in the gap.. even resort of asking her back..( i wasnt especially paying much attention ever since i have the "break up" thought in my mind.. and i did some stupid stuff.. i knew i was wrong.. foolish and selfish.. but what done was done)... but only after a while before i realize... i was only afraid of being lonely.. Come to think about it.. i never had more than half a year being a single..(beside army period) so this moment of loneliness hits me really hard... just to add.. only at this moment i realize who can really called my friends.. i was seriously disappointed with someone... or maybe she was juz avoiding me... i dont know.. but i seriously dont care now... ALL this quarrel that relates to her make me feel stupid.. to even try to help her in the past... oh well.. i digress..

At this very moment.. i can safely declare... i am in love with no one but myself.. i guess i just need some time alone for a period of time before i can like anyone again.. reason being... i have to make sure i like that person.. not because i am lonely.. because for this next person..i shall not make the same mistake i made.. and hopefully..be the finally person that gonna stay in my life... although my long life plan was to get married before 30... and i still hope this is gonna be the case... i hope u will be in some place that i can find u within my next 2 years.. =)

Being Alone

Recently i have plenty of time to think about what i have gone through and what have i changed to... Sometime i really think something is wrong with me... why have i changed so much until i couldnt recognize myself. Someone I am not used to be.. what causes me to change?

I think i really need some time alone but at the same time.. i do feel like having a company.. tried as hard as i want but i seem to be stuck in the emotion whirlwind that cant stop.. my head has been spinning since the break up... i wish i can shake this feeling off soon

cant seem to shake off

i cant seem to shake off her... she somehow she live in my life and everything i do.. even until now i still wish i can be some help of her.. i guess im juz stupid...

Random thoughts

she seem to talk to me lesser and lesser as time goes by. I was afraid that she have forgotten me completely. The more i see her picture, the more i miss her.. i cant help thinking how is she doing. but she never did ask me anything. i guess her feeling is way way gone and i am just holding on for no reason.

It start to seem clear to me that i am no longer missed by her and it start to seem to be a 1 way feeling now.

Anyway these few days i talk to ah chan and apparently her problems seem much more complicated than what i am encountering. I can only wish her luck. sometimes, a relationship isn't good if they have to be this way.

sometimes i wonder why do pple want to be third party... because they are lonely or there is a saying.. 幸福是要靠自己争取

If you encounter someone that can truly understand you and have the perfect common interest without having to try or fake it out.. but they are with someone that doesn't appreciate that side of him/her and both of them are living in misery but no one willing to let go... will you intervene? Are you willing to be the bad guy/gal that pple thinks you are trying to sabotage other pple relationship but instead you are trying to fight for yourself... for your own future? In the society like this.. moral seem less worthy.. pple are trying to get the best for themselves.. but who are you to judge them?

Life is full of ups and down.. there is never a point that it goes down all the way and never come back unless stock market. Always believe when you are down, you are accumulating karma and they will return to you in future.. never lose urself in any circumstance. I appreciate what Isaac is trying to do to keep me accompany.. in times like this.. i really need many company to keep me from thinking anything sad..

still awake

i just realize there isnt one day i stop msging her... no wonder i cannot forget her as soon as i wan to be...

apparently she seem to move on for a while.. so i guess i have to start letting her go...

still emo

it has been 1 week, life doesnt seem to make any improvement. what makes me angry is no longer part of me.. feeling of sadness still lingers in my mind.. something i cannot shake off just yet.

i still care about how she is living outside and everytime i see her enjoy herself, i find myself more depressed. Is not because she is enjoying, but is because it could be all these while she is not enjoying herself when she is with me. Did i really drag her down? everytime this thought came across my mind, i felt a little bit happier. I manage to let her go and pursue her own dreams and life. Something i am unable to provide her.

i still wish to be part of her life but somehow i know i cant and i shouldnt. I am trying very hard to even no to think of her. restrict myself from touching my whatsapp and talk to her. I have a feeling that she has already let it go. Work has consume her life and maybe potential suitor has already made his move. i dont wish to think too much about it. it consume too much of my feelings. i hope i can really let it go as soon as possible and go ahead with my own life and own dream.

Trying everyday to numb myself and not to think of anything by going out. With who? Not important.. i just want to keep my mind occupied. As i said before.. friends can only do this much. especially friends that are attached. sadly every single time when i am single, my surrounding friends all seem to attach. I guess that is my curse.

Now trying to slot in more jobs for myself to spend less time thinking about her. i feel like calling her my darling now. So much........ fate has brought us together but life has drifted us apart.. i hope i can turn back the clock and tell myself to treasure you more than i should.. to hug you so tight u can hardly breathe.. i still in love with you.. i do...

From love,
Kelen

what a song

i love S.H.E and i never knew this song is so closed to how i feel right now.. omg.. disgraced... enjoy~

back to somewhere i can talk

blog seem like the only way i can talk without having to announce to the whole wide world. Maybe because not much pple have my blog address?

Sadly every time i blog, the only reason is because i'm sad/depressed.

It's tougher than i thought it would be. For the past 2 years, i am so used to having her around me all the time that i feel empty whenever i open my wardrobe or cabinet. so used to having tons and tons of her stuff all over my room.. i thought it could be a easy breakup after so long but apparently it is tougher than any other relationship that i have before.

She might be naggy towards me,but somehow all these things also built up my character of getting things done. i really do not know if the decision is a mistake or its just me feeling lonely, but i do appreciate her companionship all these while. sometimes i really want to know how she is doing but i have to restrict myself from doing it. I cant really help it but to still care for her.

I wish i am able to let it go, to let her pursue her career and wish her well. but deep down i really hope she will fall someday so i can be there to pick her up again. Stupid me.

i find it harder and harder to sleep these few days without her hug... 2 years....730days of her being with me all nights... i guess is not just a day or two to let it go... i love her.. but i have to let her go so she can go for her own dream without me being her burden.. too much conflict when our dream is not the same.. she seem happy to me so that makes me feel even worst.. as though she does not care anymore.. oh god. please spare me the agony...

Somehow i hate sony to the core now.. even so much to related product such as PS3. i guess if she did not work, we might be even happier than before.

i realized friends cannot be with you everytime. They have their own life. There is only so much they can do for you. Sad but true. last but not least, let me dedicate this lines quote from the movie:


曾经有一段真挚的爱情摆在我的面前，
但是我没有珍惜，
等到失去的时候才后悔莫及，
尘世间最痛苦的莫过于次，
如果上天能给我一次再来一次的机会，
我会对她说三个字:我爱你。
如果非要在这份爱上加一个期限，
我希望是一万年

sigh

been a while since last update... well... i guess i only come back to complain as I am simply out of resource to complain without anyone noticing instantly in this IT savy world

Sometime i really hope we are back to the days where pple only write letters to each other.. i miss the gd old days...