feeling depress

i have no idea why but i am feeling quite depress lately.. sometime i just wonder what is going on with my life and i sometime find myself living without a purpose...

been a while

it has been a while since my last post.. kinda busy... with a little bit of laziness too...

i'm in a dilemma right now... i always thought i wanted this kind of work life but slowly the reality somehow hits me... i kinda of lost motivation in work at the moment... not sure why... is it because of all the negativity i have heard or i just cant get used to going to 9-6 hours with random project.. somehow i feel like this is not what i want in life..

Anyway... another thing has been bothering me..maybe with this in my head.. i cant work well.. lol * find excuses*

She is a pretty girl.. no doubt about that.. maybe not to others... but to me she is gorgeous.. but i knew her for a long time now.. and I did ask her if i still stand any kind of chance or literally friend zoned... i observed her to be nervous when she say think is pass the "bf/gf" stage.. more of a long time friend.. but to me... it wasnt.. i wanted more than that.. yes i used to have feeling for her long time ago.. as usual life love to play trick on us.. we didnt get together due to timing i can say... she was attracted to some one else.. i tried to be close to her but somehow we drifted.. to be frank i dont even know what happen...

i thought at this stage.. she seem to be the perfect gal for me.. the most ideal person i ever met.. but in the meantime.. i cannot forget abt my ex..this sound gay but i really miss her.. i know she have her own life now and she seem very determined to ignore me.. lol

but sometime when i see girls that look like her or act like her.. i will think of her.. which in the first place i must think of her to relate strangers to her... even the movie i caught recently.. pacific rim.. the jap gal looks so much like her!!! maybe is just me thinking too much but the scene whereby she had to fight 1v1.. she has the kind of vibe that reminds me of her...

So being at this cross road... between looking life time partner and missing my ex.. i think have a relationship now.. somehow dont seem fair to anyone but if i wait.. i might lose her... ARGhhh.. i hope life can give me an easier option.. but life is always so irritating.. they force you to make the decision.. and whichever it is.. you should never regret...

Hmm.. i guess i answer my own confusion... If i dont tell.. i might regret and keep thinking of what might have happen.. if i do tell.. the most i get is rejection.. but life have definitely teaches me something,... never take "no" for an answer.. i shall try and hopefully using my "3 inch wont rot tongue" to convince her that i am able to take care of her.. gd luck to me...

song that speak every single word

This song literally speak every words in my heart right now.. feel super emo today.. T_T

bored

suddenly i feel very sick of life...i seem to lose all motivation nowadays.. i was uploading some photos and i came to see her picture... suddenly all the past flows back all again.. i miss her.. maybe is worst than i thought.. because i still hope we can get back together again someday.. i believe she is the one person that really know me inside out.. but sad to say maybe i didnt put in that much effort as she does.. and i till this day still regret abt it..

maybe this is the reason why i couldnt seem to put in effort on any one else.. maybe because i dun like them enough or because i still have her in my heart and mind.. i miss you darling.. i still do..

too late

i guess everything is too late...even though i try to confess all my feeling.. i guess she prefer to ignore it.. i cant really blame her.. maybe if i were in her shoe i might do the same.. juz blame on myself now... human are really a fuk up animal.. when u give them.. they take it so easily that they didnt notice the beauty of it until they lost it..

maybe is a gd reason for me to not think any further.. fire away.. fire away~~

stupid

You know what makes me feel stupid? Is the unstoppable thought that keep imaging you would still care for me and the dream of having u back with me... i know i might not deserve that but i even had the thought to try talking to you again.. to convince you i can totally change.. but somehow deep down in my heart.. i feel like you dont care anymore.. and it hurts me... and the stupid thing is.. i wrote this the moment i reach sg because i cant stop thinking about you.. things dont seem to be the same for me anymore.. lost my motivation to move on..

Still miss

I thought removing her from the list and dont contact her will make me feel better.. i think i miss her more and I really cant stop.. i even dream of getting her back... i sometime wish that to happen but somehow i think it is almost impossible for it to happen..

back to work now.. i miss u darling.. i still do...

emo

feel sudden emo today.. picture of her still keep flashing in my mind.. i feel i owe her too much.. i was not exactly a gd bf for a period of time... I cant seem to shake the feeling off.. Why would i feel that? Could it be that she was the only one that i let down.. and why is she the one? I mean she was a good girl but why do I have to let her down.. seriously i was so much hoping she is the one.. but why do i make such mistake?

sigh.. i hope life goes on.. but as of now. i hardly think so...

Alone

Being Alone is indeed a scary thing... without noticing.. i been playing game for the past 2 nights and days... i feel like a otaku... which to me is a very scary thing...

recap

Being a new year 2013!! i clean up my drawer.. threw away all the useless junk.. and reformat my PC.. i hope by cleaning all the old things.. i can start afresh in my life in 2013!

Anyway while i was clearing things up.. i found the letter she wrote to me.. i dont know why but somehow the guy that read this letter before and the guy that read this letter now.. have much different feeling... i miss her alot these few days.. especially i changed my sheets yesterday... when i saw eeyore bed... that was the moment i realize i miss her alot.. i guess is still my fault for being a jerk before and nothing much i can do now to change the past..

I removed her from my friends in facebook because i saw her picture stating her first date with another guy.. i realized it hurts me deeply.. to see her with another guy.. maybe is juz me that yet to move on..

2012 has been alot of ups and downs.. and when i was organizing all the photos.. i noticed we travel alot!! the fun moment that we had together.. and i suddenly recall a phase from this movie 听风者 and i rephrase slightly.. " What if there is sad parts in the memory?" " Just remember the good parts will do"
This makes me think... why do i have to think of all the quarrel and unhappiness we had? Wouldn't it be better for us to think of all the happiness we had before? Why do we have to end up like now?

OH.. back track a little.. now i have to think of reason to keep eeyore bed in future if i have gf.. i dont think any girl will want me to keep my ex-gf pillows..LOL! damn.. i love that pillow T_T

I'm glad i have Ting, Hui, Hao and Ah foo to get me through this period.. they have been excellent friends as far as i concern.. i have to say.. i feel ashamed that i neglect them when i was attached with her.. especially hui and ting.. since she had "girls problem" with me.. Actually i dont even recall why did i changed so much.. seriously doubt the real me was even there for the last part... i felt so insensitive... failure.. =(

anyway i was having lunch today and we were talking about wife and girlfriends... is funny how guys nowadays date younger girl!!! somehow i feel not able to social with girls that are too young!! maybe old man huh... ting even ask me to date wen if we click.. she is a nice person and i think we share some common interest.. but somehow i feel she is too outgoing.. till the extend i might bored her out if i have no plans at all! when it comes to old pple like us.. we prefer to slack more den going out whole day.. lol =x

Sigh.. stop typing now and go to sleep soon~~~ i shall remember my target for 2013 and get my abs ready and able!!! wish me luck!

Happy new year 2013!!

Happy new year!!! is 2013!! My new year resolution is to tone up myself.. pretty miss the old fit body i used to have when i am in army... and i mean army.. LOL... i gain like crazy when im in airforce.. =x

anyway.. 2013 i hope i can put away all the bad things happened to me in the past and things i have done that i regret alot.. i hope these are the things i wish to learn from it.. the whole purpose of studying history =x

the first thing i did in 2013.. i removed our picture off from my wallet.. i really wish i can totally let it go and start all afresh again.. and this is gonna be a big step. although the empty slot in my wallet is giving a suck feeling.. damn i shouldnt bought this wallet from taiwan which i can actually put more photos =( 

I regret very much on all i lost this gf of mine but maybe this is destiny.. that the one is not here yet.. although i thought she was the one.. =( oh well.. sad thoughts aside..

i have to be very determine on my resolution!!!! FIGHTING!!!

Anyway for those who read this.. Happy New Year! hope u have a joyful year ahead!!!!!